This is probably one of those places I don't have to worry about any reaction because by the time someone reads this it would have been two months old or older.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the wrong right things. I wish Ive got a clearer head when I'm advising myself. I wish I know what I want. I wish things were simpler. I wish I wasn't a sinner. I wish I knew what the heavens have planned for me. I wish I knew if the signs were paving the way or trickily a test. I wish my loved ones understood. I wish they could be there for me and not judge. Have I really become someone I don't want to be? Someone everyone detests but I have yet to? What is going on? My heart is heavy and my mind's foggy. I exist to serve the ways of the universe. It has commanded that I obey moral rules and love with all my heart and above all, to be sincere. It's been easier said than done..especially in recent times. I stare at the (annoyingly) blank walls and ceiling, trying to seek some comfort in my physical surrounding; but all I get are echoes of the questions in my head, and the silence of the Devil.

I had sought ignorance and complete denial of the weight in my heart and mind. But the weight does not ignore the signs of the universe. It grasps onto every tiny sign, desperate for the answer. All it gets, are shades of purple. The melancholy in that color, the excitement of the unknowable.

Here I am, going in circles, mazes, whatever. The direction isn't important. I will still be lost.

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It's been a while since I gushed about you here. But those eyes I kept in this device are prompting me to scream my lungs out in adoration. I forgot the unhappiness last year, somehow, and now I'm high in speedweed train where everything seems so light and joyful. Girls.

Or maybe just me. We are 2 days shy of our 2.5 years anniversary! But I still can't say I'm that certain whether speedweed train's taking me on the right route.

But I love you. And I want to love you for as long as you allow me to.

"You're so good to me" --Fel (just the first few lines but I can't remember how it goes anymore)

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Unlike many who reflect on the year as it is about to end, I must say I reflect fairly frequently and that's because I'm a very sentimental person and I wish I'm not. It's difficult to progress when one looks back too many a time. Anyway just a few hours ago at 12am 31st december, PP and I finally watched The Notebook together! Took me long enough to make him watch it with me. (I've watched it a few times but I just want him to watch it!!) And he liked it!! Idiot...wanna act macho only kept refusing to watch it... So I'm glad that's how the year is gonna end with him. He's leaving for Malaysia (again) with his dad this time and he's so upset and pretty whiny about it ;\ Well I understand he's sick of that country cause he's has had to be back at Penang a couple of times already. Oh well I told him its his familial obligation and he has to do it! But yeah he's sad and he even feels like crying..heh. :\ he hates it when I use "heh" btw...never understood why.

Anyway back to some official reflecting. Well 2011 has been one of the more eventful years..there were a lot of downs in my relationship with my boyfriend because he has done some pretty shitty things like...3 times. Yep, big sigh. And I've forgiven him over and over....because...we have too much fun together. We love each other very much and we both know that...i just wish it was easier for me to know it, yknow. When we are good, we're so good. Just stop screwing thing up already! Well i really hope I've made the right choice. [:

And of course! UC Berkeley! One of the best experiences in my life. Meeting all kinds of people from different countries...actually having so much fun with these people. Gosh, miss my dorm mates. So much fun, really. And through this, I've also made a really good friend none other than Lexie sim Wanru. Couldn't have imagined we would become so close. Oh yeah and I picked up
German in Berkeley (: finally learning a foreign language and even tho I wished it could smth more fun like Spanish or whatever, German's great too. Good for business...but do I wanna do corporate shit? Well idk. Ever since I made the decision to turn down the internship with Bosch, I kinda wonder if the corporate world is really what I would wanna be immersed in for the next hundred years. Anyway I realize I sidetrack really fast. I love San Francisco!!! And I want to go back there again!! I want to go so many places with the right friends of course (: and preferably with my beloved boy. Hes such a joy to be around with. Love him to microscopic cells.

Ive been watching more movies than ever this year too. Particularly for knowledge and then entertainment! And yeah also because of Bob...he keeps asking about movie facts in class. PP and I love movies so it's a great activity we both love. One of my favorite movies I watched this year was Flipped and uh...many others I just can't remember now it's too late it's like 5am.

Anyway my friendships this year has been rocky...particularly with Esther. I'm not gonna talk about it now cause I'm tired and it's a really long story. I hope that I ll be able to keep all of my closest friends for life. People like Cindy and Ling and lexie and esther (if we dont get into a fight again...sigh). It's been tough but with love, anything's possible. I love being cheesy.

2012 is approaching in like a bit more than 24 hours. I wish the mayan calendar would be wrong, really. So much to do in life. How can it end so soon? I still want to get married. And have my own house. And live happily with my lover. Anyhow there things to achieve in 2012. I'll be 23...damn!

I wish great health to my loved ones. Hopefully my grandfather can go thru 2012 smoothly too.

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